LeliaThomas.Com

Be Who You Really Are

I think there are a lot of “fake” people in the world. Perhaps that’s because it’s really not easy to be true to yourself, to be who you really are. It’s easy for me to see how people lie to themselves and others; temporarily, it seems much safer than the alternative. To be honest, it only matters slightly to me that there are people out there who are not being honest with themselves and others. It does matter to me, though, when these people try to become community, religious or political leaders who tell others what is right and how they should behave. Hypocrisy is an ugly beast with an overactive growth hormone.

A little over a year ago, I got back in touch with an old friend I hadn’t spoken to in many years. She was and is a really nice person, a person I do consider to be upstanding. Unfortunately, she wears two faces: her Christian face that says she is going to become a missionary and her other face, which is much more like who she really is. It is not having two faces that makes a person fake. I believe we all carry multiple identities and switch between them, depending on the situations we find ourselves in (e.g., the identity of a mother vs. the identity of a wife). What makes someone fake is when these multiple identities contradict each other entirely.

The girl I speak of is an aspiring Christian missionary, hard at work in a private university in her country. Meanwhile, she has a sick sense of humor, talks just like the rest of us who don’t claim moral purity, and really just lives her life no differently from anyone else. Neither the latter nor the former do I have a problem with. The only problem is in the extreme duality. This hypocritical way that she lives is the way she tells others not to live.

Hypocrisy seems to most strongly exist when we are dishonest with ourselves and others. I cannot be angry with a Christian missionary who tells me how to live if he lives that way or close to it. I cannot be angry with a person who lives her life no differently from the rest of us if she’s not condemning anyone for the things she does. I can, however, be angry with someone who tries to do it all, and, in the process comes off as being a hypocritical fake. I can be angry with someone (or a part of someone) who is going to make others feel guilty for the things they themselves are doing. In the short term, it hurts no one–not the giver, not the receiver. In the long term, I think it harms most involved.

As I said earlier, though, it’s not necessarily easier to be honest, and so I can’t entirely condemn anyone who isn’t living as such. Honesty may indeed be the best policy, but I’ve yet to see where it frees a person from trials. Being honest with yourself and others can cost you friendships and many good things, but in the long run I think you sleep better at night if you’re honest.

I know there will always be people like this old friend of mine, people who seek powerful secular or religious positions to influence others, when they don’t even follow their rules or ideas, but it still bothers me. I think it always will. I guess the only thing I can hope for, really, is that those who are dishonest with themselves and others don’t ultimately do much harm. Unfortunately, that doesn’t seem to be the case most of the time.

Comments ordered from oldest to newest.

Esther

Hi Lelia, I enjoyed this post. :) I can largely relate to your friend if only because I grew up in a devoutly Christian home. A hypocritical one, at that, because of the condemning of others you speak of. There was a lot of guilt in the home I grew up in and so, to protect myself (or should I say legacy) I felt the need to conform to that while trying to figure out the person I am. I was like your friend, but I wasn’t happy. I changed. What I came up with in the end (and the story is still being written obviously) is that I ended up rejecting that entire Christian, religious lifestyle. It *is* hypocritical to only vote on abortion and ignore social justice issues, to tout gun ownership rights yet not care for the poor.

Now, I value spirituality over religiosity. I still go to church but the church to which I belong loves everyone whom walks through their doors and makes it a point to not judge but to, again, love everyone. There is a support group for women who have had abortions and as we’re in the epicenter of entertainment sludge capital of the US (LA) we have groups that do drama, music, dance … we go out to bars and service projects together.

I cannot be angry with a Christian missionary who tells me how to live if he lives that way or close to it.

I would even go so far as to say that I myself get angry at Christians who dictate to others how to live - even if they live that way themselves. But to feel that oneself is on a moral highground to others is to disrespect someone whom God loves as much as him or her and the places that they’re at in their own lives . Quite frankly, they do a disservice to “God’s Kingdom” with their arrogance.

Lelia

Firstly, sort of funny that we both posted about “keepin’ it real” today/lately (not sure which, exactly, because time zones screw up my concept of, well, time)!

I can relate to your situation some myself, coming from a similar background, too. My family means entirely well, I know, but I’ve just not become the same way, ultimately; I keep my silence around them in regard to it, most of the time, in a sort of live and let live mentality. Among it, I wish my grandparents were a bit more realistic; perhaps since my grandfather is a retired minister, it’s become impossible! It makes for a lot of awkward and frustrating situations, which I guess goes back to how not being as true to yourself can cause harm to those you interact with.

It’s good that you’ve found a place that fits more in line with your beliefs. Sometimes it’s hard to find that. I think you’re right, too, that holier than thou behavior only damages views of Christianity (or any other religion or philosophy, for that matter), whether it’s being followed or not.

The thing I wonder about following a doctrine is whether it is even possible not to be a hypocrite, at least to some degree, whether that be to yourself or to the religion. It’s so unlikely that a person could agree to all the concepts taught in a single religion/philosophy and disagree with most of the concepts taught in all other doctrines. The more people I meet who are not religious, or at the very least are not heavily indoctrinated by a long shot, the more of a correlation I see between that and someone who lives more honestly with themselves and others. (None of this is to suggest, of course, that it is only the religious who are not always honest with themselves, because that’s far from true and isn’t always the case with the religious, anyhow. It’s more like I just see a pattern here somewhat, perhaps because I’ve seen a bit of both sides.)