LeliaThomas.Com

Happiness is Always a Choice

A long time ago, I learned that there are people in the world who will never be happy. Most people want to act like no one like this exists, that we all crave happiness and will work for it, but that simply isn’t true. Whether their unhappiness is due to a clinical, mental issue or a conscious decision to live the martyr’s life, it doesn’t matter. There are choices one can make when it is a clinical issue, the choice to self-regulate, to schedule and organize, to receive medication and therapy. There are choices one can make when it is isn’t a clinical matter–obvious choices, like working to change the situations that make you unhappy. The problem is that for whatever reason, there is a sizable minority that will never do this. This used to trouble me a lot. It sometimes still does.

There are few things worse to me than hearing people talk about what they would love to do or love to be, only to turn around and never take the steps to see those things into existence. You can talk a mile, but if you can only walk an inch, you’ve merely wasted your breath. A lot of people waste their breath. I think these are the people who later bemoan their misspent youth.

Seeing this in adults is disappointing enough, but to see young adults and teenagers behave in this way is something else, something worse, something more…unacceptable to me. There are opportunities to be had, changes that can more easily be made as a young person, if only you will act. Fear stops a lot of people, though, or embarrassment.

This has come up with a young woman I have spoken with for years. She may even be reading now. She is a couple of years younger than I am, and while I consider our personalities to nearly be complete opposites, I wouldn’t say some of our situations in life have been all that different. What is different is that I have always been willing to work toward happiness, even while I felt/feel ridiculously miserable; I consider those times just transitional periods. She, on the other hand, is negative, isn’t willing to take risks due to fear or embarrassment, and blames others of the past, present and future for her unhappiness. Like many people of this personality type, she is also very good at making “mountains out of molehills,” and I think she would often like someone to share the misery with.

I recently called her out on this, and the terse reply I received from her is the reply I always receive from these kinds of people: “I know.” It is very frustrating to me when people “know” something but are unwilling to follow it. We all fall victim to this, but many of us do so at small degrees, not life-altering ones. This is a case of wanting to have a career in journalism or some form of writing, but finding oneself working at the local grocer, taking no steps toward her goal. This is a case of wanting to live somewhere else and be around different people, but having a fear of taking any risk or making any mistake that might be remotely embarrassing. This is a case of living in one’s shell, while blaming someone else for the less than desirable dwelling. These are things she has control over either now or in the foreseeable future, but she would much rather comfortably take pity on herself and complain to the masses. Essentially, she has two plates to eat from, one labeled “happiness,” the other “misery,” and you can guess what plate she’s dining from.

I’ve met happy people from all walks of life, ages, nationalities, etc. There is absolutely no excuse for people to be unhappy all of the time. Happiness is always a choice, even when it’s a choice to do something today to bring yourself closer to your concept of happiness in the future. Equally, unhappiness is always a choice. While you can be unhappy about something and may feel that way for a while, you can choose not to drag it out longer than is appropriate for the situation.

The “problem” is that this is a personal choice; therefore, there will always be people who will never be happy or anywhere near it. Part of my own happiness has come from realizing I can’t make certain people happy. This has enabled me to move on or at least let go of their negativity.

So what does make a person happy? I’ve thought about this a lot, but I realize that there is no definitive answer. However, I can speak for myself. Below are ten or so things that I have learned make me happy. I’m sure I will learn more as I grow.

• Surround yourself with those you only truly like. Shallow relationships (i.e., those made often only to serve for some personal gain) are always energy-draining.
• Befriend many; closely trust a few.
• Never have any relationship with someone who frequently manipulates.
• Be honest with yourself, and never ask for honest opinions or critiques unless you really want them.
• Be honest with others, especially if they ask for an honest opinion.
• Don’t worry about what others think of you so much. They’re worried about what you’re thinking of them.
• Laugh a lot, even when the more politically correct might complain about it.
• Always romantically love only one person at a time, in mind, heart and body.
• Dream as big as you please, so long as you are willing to work towards those dreams.
• Go out of your way to be kind.

Comments ordered from oldest to newest.

joshua

It is very frustrating to me when people “know” something but are unwilling to follow it.

It is frustrating! Even more frustrating to be in the position. This is how I see it: When people are speaking a lot and not doing - wasting their breath - They need to change their habits. They’re stuck in between goals and dreams pulling them one way, and habits and addictions pulling them another. The anxious reader has habits which help them achieve goals like earning a degree. But if one has habits that involve pleasing themselves (TV, Games, drinking) it can be really distracting. Impossibly distracting. In my opinion this is one of the hardest things for people to change - their habits. Self control is a mother. But if you can master it, there’s no stopping someone from achieving anything. (at the right age)

Lelia

I think you’re right. Most people don’t wish to take responsibility for their own lives, though. Which, I would argue, is part of the reason we have some of the same problems today that we did a century ago (and will have a century from now). There is certainly a correlation between unhappiness and irresponsibility, I would say.

Randy

Hi, I got linked here from viewing openswitch I believe. I must say I have read two excellent post. This one and the previous about myspace were great. I might add something that has helped me not succumb to “being miserable”. I recently heard a preacher talking about being a mature Christian.(this applies regardless your faith) He was talking about how people say they want to be “mature” christians but don’t do anything about it. He said,
“You need a plan to mature. You don’t just mature spiritualy by continuing to breathe. Can you be mature today? You should be. When do you expect that to change? Is it urgent?”, and then the part that struck me, “Do you labor today with any sense of urgency?”

Wow. That changed me. Hope its helpful to someone.

joshua

There is certainly a correlation between unhappiness and irresponsibility, I would say.

There definitely is.

However for a clinical person, they have the choice to get diagnosed and receive medical help, as you said. But since they’re clinical, what do you think the odds are that they would make it to that stage? I think their afflictions predispose them to a state of denial - and prevent them from ever finding medical help themselves. In which case happiness isn’t a choice. Only if they can admit to being clinical(and then somehow proceed with a diagnosis) it is a choice.

Lelia

Randy: That is good advice. Hopefully some people will take it!

Joshua: Without disclosing more than I wish, I will simply say I am very familiar with the situation you speak of, and for that reason, my attitude toward it is usually a lot different from what people who are unfamiliar with it think. You underestimate the power and influence that a clinically depressed person’s behavior has on the people around him or her. Trust me. Sooner or later, the people around that person pick up on the fact that something is a “little” left of center and eventually recommend therapy. Usually for their own sanity and happiness.

The state of denial thing, to me, is no better or worse than a “normal” person’s choice to be irresponsible. Keep in mind that the very definition of denial often includes saying it is an “act” (i.e., choice) to renounce the truth. I think this is, too, a confusion of the situation. Perhaps it is not that the clinically depressed are predispositioned to be in denial of their disorder. Perhaps it is that we are all predispositioned to deny our problems, weaknesses and illnesses (unless, of course, you’re a hypochondriac!). It just happens to be that denying depression is a little more serious for the depressed and those around them.

It’s a choice to deal with problems.

joshua

Unless you’re a drooling mental retard, you have the choice to make yourself happy, to steer your life in a way to make you not depressed. I agree. If you want something there’s pretty much only one way to get it. you gotta chose to do it. For most normal people. But there is a very foggy line between ‘normal’ people and those who have cognitive dysfunction. I KNOW IT. There’s a whole unconscious mind inside us that we don’t have control of. If that goes into denial, then what? Then the person can’t …. idk I’m just running in circles here. Well I thought I knew what I was talking about. But its none of my business aaanyways. I’ve got problems to deal with

mapolina

Agreed!
Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful. Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory (Albert Schweitzer).

mapolina

We all live with the objective of being happy; our lives are all different and yet the same.

LorriM

Your ten points are excellent ones, Lelia! :)