LeliaThomas.Com

Is that the best you can do?

As they say, hindsight is 20/20. We make mistakes in life, and see them as such only once we step back–when we see them in truth. They’re ugly things, disfigured and dark, but they have brought us to where we are now, for better or worse. Rights were taken, when we should have gone left. That kiss? It killed a part of you, but it also fed a need. You weren’t ready to have children, but then, when would you have been? The divorce was filed too soon or too late. There was more silence than words of love, more standing back instead of touching. Mistakes are oft borne from good intentions. Are good intentions enough, though–enough to make up for our mistakes? Is “trying our best,” the best we can do?

In our fast-paced, sometimes selfish world, I think we tend to forget how largely encompassing our mistakes can be. Our loves, our relationships, our children, our divorces, every decision we make affects multiple people simultaneously. We’ve taught society that an apology should be given, if not legitimately, at least when we’re caught between the proverbial rock and a hard place. Yet how many repent, make right their mistakes? How many even try in this world of living for the now? How many really attempt to change their behavior versus how many simply say “sorry” and expect the world to be thankful for that measly, two-syllable word?

We make mistakes, both great and small, and sometimes there’s no good way to fix the things we have broken, other than to avoid making the same mistake twice. It all comes down to choice, and quite often self-sacrifice. It usually hurts to make the “right” decisions. It’s not fun now, but the consequences of giving into every whim are dire. Of course, that’s rarely realized until much later.

For that reason, I’ve always disliked the phrase “try your best,” which is a phrase society pushes very, very hard. In some cases, it applies, but quite often “trying our best” is not reaching our full potential. It leaves room for us to make the same mistakes we did before–keeps us in a familiar comfort zone where we never have to try harder than what we were already capable of. Essentially, it’s stagnant, dying life, repeated cycles. Sometimes our best is not enough; sometimes we have to stretch beyond our best, to a new level of excellence, a new level of self.

We could all dig ourselves early graves trying to be perfect. That is not what I am suggesting. However, we do need to be careful and thoughtful of every decision we make. Think of how many unfortunate mistakes we could prevent, if only we put more thought into our actions. Talk is cheap. Actions tell all, change all. If we’d just hold our words a second longer. Think before we try something.

How many marriages might be saved, if only a word was held? If only a man told his wife she was beautiful, put as much effort toward her as he did that fantasy affair? If only a woman gave her husband a lingering look from time to time, accepted his different ways a little more often? If only love was as fascinating to us as money.

How many unwanted children might never have been conceived, handed over to foster homes or the tools of the abortionist, if only that moment of passion with a stranger had been held? How many crazed and angry adults might have been normal, productive citizens, if only their parents had given more love and caring discipline? Kept marital arguments behind closed doors, away from little ears? Chosen human beings over money and power and addictions of all kinds.

We all make mistakes, and they’re unnervingly clear to us once all is said and done. Yet so many things can be prevented, at least partly–broken hearts, ruined lives, anger and hurt. So much might be different if we waited just a second longer before making a final decision. There will never be a world without pain. We do not live in bubbles, but why should we create more harm than is necessary?

When things come up in life that beg of us to choose one road or another, we should ask ourselves, Can I live with my decision for the rest of my life? Because we never know when there will be no tomorrow for ourselves or those around us.

*Images from the latest edition of PostSecret.

Comments ordered from oldest to newest.

jon

Wow, you do go deep.
People complicate or burden their lives for impatience, a little comfort a little company. Not that kids are a burden, but they can be for people who are not ready or have regrets & other baggage. Kids should be a joy & brought up in a world full of joy. Even in wartorn regions, children brought up in loving homes, smile, play & survive. Yet in our most sophisticated society they can be raised in misery, sadnessm, poverty?

You have some deep and profound thoughts for one so young. You sure you are only young and off to Australia?

jon

PS - A woman with 4 kids by 3 different men, is not a slut, but a woman searching for love. Lelia, lots of love to ya - Q

Lelia

Jon, I agree wholeheartedly. Of all my close female friends (about four in total), none of them wants to have children. The notion of that is so sad to me–sadder still that it’s understandable. It takes a lot of work to have children, period, but trying to find the proper and long-term commitment with someone these days is even harder. I certainly want to have children one day, but I can understand why my friends see the world as one of heartache for children and therefore don’t want to bring anymore into the world.

We quite often equate happiness in industrialized nations to money. Obviously not having financial stability causes many problems, but, as they say, money isn’t everything.

I also agree with you about the woman with four children, too. That was my first thought when I saw that postcard. I sadly have to wonder how many of those men made promises of love to her. Perhaps they even felt it for a time, but short-term commitments mean very little in the scheme of things.

P.S. - Yes, I am young and soon off to Oz. ;) Eight days! :D

Lorri M.

It is saddening, because I do not see that woman as a slut, but as a human being with emotions and feelings, and a person who is reaching out and searching for love, not sex. But, alas, she, like so many women think that those sexual moments equate with love. Which is not to say, she was wrong, but didn’t understand the actual relationship, or what she really needed out of it.

If the men had, say, cuddled with her, held her, hugged or stroked her, etc., it would take on a different meaning…an intimate and loving relationship could have ensued.

Now, she is riddled with guilt, and dislikes herself, and her Self-Esteem has been diminished.

Lelia

I think you’re right, Lorri, and one of the things that bothers me so much about sex education is that so often we teach about physical meaning but never touch on emotional issues. As I’ve told some other people, I can’t even remember the most basic conversations about consent being discussed in my middle school sex education. I knew better, but there are other people who maybe don’t, as can be seen by society. Sex isn’t always a purely physical thing. And it sure does become personal if nine months later you hold a baby in your arms, with or without that person you had sex with beside you.

Hopefully that woman will learn to deal with her mistakes and love her children above outside relationships.

jon

Yep, from one man’s point of view, I can say that lust, sex, and love or loving are different things. I can also understand that some women + men, want the lust, sex & loving, but not the children, the ties, the obligations or the commitment. But I cannot call it selfish. Some people argue having or wanting children is selfish.
I know, my grandparents were overjoyed with their children, and I like to think I brought my parents joy, at least when I was young.
There are no guarantees in life, but I hope you find the right person to have children with, and that you bring bundles of joy into the world, and they in turn fill the world with joy.
Imagine if only unwanted children were born, into unhappy homes, the world would spiral rapidly downwards. Fortunately despite the averages: divorce rates, single parenthood etc … those born into loving homes & loving families are still in the majority. So I guess there is still hope, even in today’s world.

Philip Dhingra

I found this link from the Discipline entry on the Psychology Wiki. Glad I read it.