LeliaThomas.Com

Truth Behind the Mask

All my life, people have felt comfortable enough to talk to me seriously in private, to bring their problems to me. I’ve yet to decide whether that’s a blessing or a curse, but it is what it is, and it has taught me just how much people hide, how much we all live double lives–myself included. Knowing that there is more than meets the eye has made the world a more acceptable place to me, even during its highly annoying moments.

Something people have trouble realizing is that they aren’t unique, nor are their problems. I think, if you can grasp this in your life, you learn to be thankful for what you do have. Each of us carries a burden at any given time, and it is up to us as to how we carry it–with finesse or by willingly dragging everyone else down with us, as misery does love company. Objectively, some problems are larger than others (e.g. cancer vs. being dumped by a lover), but personally, all problems appear to be mountains that are impossible to climb at the time. Have a compassionate heart and know this when interacting with others.

But even harder to grasp is for you, personally, to turn the table and realize that your problems, objectively, likely aren’t as bad as someone else’s. I first really learned this back in the 10th grade, when talking with a girl I hardly knew–a girl I had no desire to really know, in fact. On the outside, she seemed to lead a golden life, one that was carefree and fruitful. She made good grades and had the adoration of our peers (most of it actually genuine, too, shockingly enough). She was pretty and obviously had a bright future. To the outsider, and to me, it looked like she had it all, but sometimes it’s hard to see the Poison Tree from outside Eden.

Our paths never crossed until one day in a class we had together. I was having a particularly bad day then. Everything was going wrong, both personally and otherwise, and I’m sure I wasn’t much to be around at that moment. Ironically, this was the day that girl chose to reveal a lot to me, just because I was willing to listen to her when she needed it. I found out that she had been molested when she was younger, and her father was abusive to her mother. On top of this, her grandfather, whom she loved dearly, had recently passed away. Her beautiful life was built on a crumbling foundation.

Quite often, our mountains become mere pebbles when we open our eyes to the rest of the world and realize that despair is as universal as anything else. Hearing that girl’s story was an important moment in my life and growth, and it has changed how I have worked within my relationships.

Sadly, though, my knowing this does not change the fact that many others do not grasp this yet. My knowing this does not mean all the people I love will ever learn the lesson. I cannot put thoughts into another’s mind or words into another’s mouth. You, as my reader, have to learn this on your own. You have to learn that you are wonderful and worthy of a good life, but also that you are not the only one who gets knocked off the horse every now and again–or often, even.

In my own life now, I am facing one of those Everest-like mountains; I am treading on ground I’ve never even seen on a map. And, of course, it is frightening, yet I might as well do it with as good of a spirit as possible, with hope and laughter.

What things do you dwell on too much? Are your problems really that insurmountable, or, more likely, do they just seem that way? Do you swim so deeply in your own worries that you fail to see those who are closest to you?

Think about it. Write about it.

Photographs coutesy of Erik Dungan (picture one) and Luc Sesselle (picture two).

Comments ordered from oldest to newest.

InochisuruShi

you are a very intelligent person and you are most correct here.
I’m glad to see that the world isn’t failing yet…
Although i do think that the world’s IQ is gettting progressively lower.

Warning: Do not abuse. » LeliaThomas.Com

[...] I’ve encountered these kinds of people multiple times in my life, sad to say. They’re of the caliber to be wonderful only when they’re interested in being that way, and then they turn, snake-like. The second they don’t like something or hit a hard spot in life–as we all do!–they want to put all their burdens on you, the acquaintance, the friend, the lover, family member. Whoever you may be to them, they fully expect you to just “deal” with it and their crazy unpredictability. And, of course, their personal pain is ten times anything you might be experiencing (or have ever experienced!), or at least in their opinion. (I wrote Truth Behind the Mask around this same sort of topic.) [...]

Truth Behind the Mask at ronincyberpunk.com

[...] Truth Behind the Mask — Important words everyone should remember. Filed under: Links of Interest   |   [...]

Namidak

I think this is bull

Namidako

This is shit, it’s not true. If one always compairs themselves then they are just like everyone else. Just a member of some huge thing. Everyone is unique, and people have unique problems and the way they handle them is up to them. Sometimes things must be done, and I’m sorry that people get hurt by this. I know that I don’t mean to hurt people, but if they are hurt, it’s really not my fault.

Denise

A very good friend of mine called me selfish last night. I was deeply offended and angered by her comment. I’ve never considered myself to be a selfish person. I think I am very empathetic. People often come to me with problems, and I listen and try to help if I can. However, that wasn’t the first time I’ve been called selfish. My ex called me selfish all of the time and I just didn’t see it.

I talked it over with another friend of mine. She suggested I examine this idea, since two people in my life had made the same observation. After reading your article, maybe I agree. Sometimes I feel like a rain cloud follows me around and maybe I get caught up in my own drama. I will make a more concious effort to step outside of myself. Thank you. This article was eye opening.

Jerome

Your post has made my day, perhaps my month. I have been recently rejected from a long-lasting relationship which I had thought would have lasted longer, and for the past few weeks, I have been using people around me as a crutch, sometimes willingly. I realise I have done some disreputable things this past month, including breaking another girl’s heart by not being able to commit to her, yet engaging in a physical relationship with her just the same. I have made many friends lose their faith and respect in me just by being not much to hang out with, and I’m afraid it’s too late to fix things. I realise others are suffering, but I cannot bring myself to empathize. I really want to, almost as much as I want to go back a couple of months with the knowledge of what I have done and be prepared to make better choices. I know that is impossible, but it’s what I want most. I would like to thank you for taking time to write what you wrote, as it managed to help me out a bit from the dark ocean I am currently drowning in. Thank you.

Lelia

Jerome, firstly, let me say I’m sorry you’ve gone through that sort of heartache. I’m currently going through the same thing, and it’s not easy at all; it never is.

Secondly, I’m glad this entry meant something to you. Keep these sorts of things in mind; I know I try to when the going gets tough. And with your friends, remember an apology usually goes a long way. Hopefully you can work things out, but it might take some extreme effort, depending on the offenses.

If you ever need to talk about any of it, or just need to chat, always feel free to drop me a line at leliathomas@gmail.com.

Leah

Wow…..I just found your site and I am amazed by what I have just read, that someone can feel that way. I, too, am in a situation similar to yours: at least, I am the type of person that people come and talk to in private, that type of thing. I’ve had similar ‘epiphany’ moments, and I can really understand and appreciate everything you’ve written here!

Yuki

Interestingly enough, I was linked to your page from Wikipedia, when looking up empathy vs sympathy…

I think a lot of what you say is true, that everyone DOES face a lot of hardships and if you find the right people, you can easily cheer yourself up (and this sounds horrible but it’s not meant this way) by realizing you’re better off than them.

That said, I truly don’t think you can put a yardstick to any sort of hardship or problem — and everyone’s individual sadness or whatever upsets them, to them, may in fact BE an insurmountable mountain. Sure, they may eventually make it over the top, but just because they are facing, say, a breakup, vs a deceased relative, does not make their pain any less real, or painful.

It’s degrading to say so, and disrespectful to both the “lesser” and “greater” pain — by judging either as on a scale, compared like that, you remove the humanity and empathy in dealing with the pain. Depending on who you are, on where you are in life, and on what else you’ve seen, and how your experiences have defined you, you will feel different pain.

Your piece was written very well, though, and speaks volumes to your personality and empathic values.

aphrodite

thank you. for that inspiring and thought-provoking entry.

Lucky

Lelia,
Sorry this is in two parts. Here is the poem. Please read it completely before forming an opinion.

Thank you for your consideration,
Sincerely,
Lucky

I shut the curtains, I bolt the door
No more will you see me on the floor
Crawling here and crawling there
Clad only in my underwear

I don’t answer the telephone
When I’m home, don’t call, leave me alone
Isolated is where I’m forced to be
There is no us, there is only me

You can’t understand and you think I’m weird
Because I’ve veered, as opposed to steered,
From the path that’s usually taken
By most others, if I’m not mistaken

You see, the road I’m on, I chose it not
It was my lot, it’s the life I got
Through chance, aren’t I the lucky one
Tossing the DNA dice is loads of fun

Clinical Depression – Mentally Ill
The chill that those words do instill
Cause others to question the value of me
As I now question my own sanity

My mind debates its own existence
And I offer resistance to its token persistence
That I am still alive and well
Because I live in a quantum hell

My thoughts have fallen like the leaves
Of trees that only get reprieve
When springtime rears its beautiful head
To remind them that they are not dead

About myself I’ve hardly ever cared
Being so ill-prepared and terribly scared
That another error
Will cause the terror
To persist forever

The doctors triaged, they flipped my lid
But I hid from my “Ego’s” and my “Id”
Afraid to be different and now ashamed
Please ask God, if you see him, if I’m to be blamed?

tee

ure correct about a lot of the things u said but as someone who has always been selifish and continually told so,it isnt new.it seems like no one understands dat for me it is instinctual.its after takin a selfish action dat i beat up my self 4 being a selfish mean b****h but how many times do i apologize 4 something dat it seems i have no control over??????one word 2 descibe my dad is selfish snd i dont want to be like him.sadly but dat is who and wot i am…….”SELFISH”.so where does dat leave me???????????

Gaby

I don’t know who you are, but I’m glad I stumbled upon your blog.
I just had a coffee chat with my grandmother about what’s been going with me lately:
I’m going through a divorce.

Not just your regular divorce. We didn’t even reach a year. I was really upset with that fact for a while, although I also realize that it’s a blessing in disguise. I’m still young, pretty and have a whole life to start again, the right way.

People always have something to say. People always judge. But then I started to think about it……

If I didn’t get out now, people would then say “why did you wait till he hit you?”

So, I guess what’s meant to be is meant to be.
Thanks for making eat easier to swallow……………………

Giggy

I agree with every comment mentioned in your article. People assume their problems are different but history always repeats itself. It doesn’t matter the nationality, environment, time, or situation…..people create their own shit and others point it out so that the shitty person can face it. This action is done so that others can uplift themselves by convincing each other it was the moral thing to do based on what society states is morally correct for that time. People then feel sympathetic for their actions and try to rectify the situation to make the shitty person feel better (acceptance within society)….people know what they do when they do it…bottom line. You shouldn’t feel “sorry” just learn from it and move on. The shitty person will eventually feel uplifted when they are ready to, then the chorus (called society/people) comes in and takes the credit….only to allow history to repeat itself with a different “shitty person” or “shitty situation”.

April 2007: These Feelings Will Make Me Explode » LeliaThomas.Com

[...] Giggy: I agree with every comment mentioned in your article. People assume their problems are different but… [...]